I just had sex in the back of an ambulance. Call me.
They found a chair, duct taped me to it, then gave me a bottle of vodka to 'make me feel at home'
I took my shirt off and stood in the kitchen for an hour and a half talking to his parents about my tattoos
It wasn't a threesome, it was me making out with one while looking at the other one screaming "does this make you jealous?"
ROOF CAVED IN, WE'RE GUNNA MAKE A WATERSLIDE
he spent like 10 minutes trying to convince us that he was throwing up in the bushes on purpose in order to cut weight for wrestling
I'm having mini little movies in my head. Like for example. You were talking to a blue whale with jazz man sunglasses, but not the ray charles jazz sunglass. More like sunglasses that are round. Anyway, he has a baguette and stupid french hat. And you , you had your harry potter glasses.
he looks SO much like Drake, I feel like an extreme groupie every time we have sex.
I just had the worst experience of my life, my grandma found my condoms.
In case you're wondering what I'm doing, I'll be banging an 18 year old this weekend. Repeatedly.
He texted me at 2am telling me to come get my American flag from his place, if that's not code for sex idk what is
He told me was "pretty like the wife in some movie where the husband is a cheater." I think I'm gonna fuck him.
Everything is covered in gelatin and pam cooking spray. Jesus be a shield.
Let's go buy marshmallows and play chubby bunny until we feel alive again
So... my daughter's new girlfriend Is the daughter of the girl I dated on and off in college Who ran away because she got pregnant at my house party. My Legitimate daughter Is probably fucking my Illegitimate daughter...
Randomize
