I don't know whether I should be pissed that there's glitter in my bed or proud that there's semen in there too.
he said he "kind of had sex before.. Barely" i think it was one of those situations where you slide into home and get tagged out.
She accidentally pre-ordered us Dominos for the next day at 11:30am... we were very confused when we woke up.
i wish the dell website had a "did you drink an entire bottle of rum and stepped on your laptop which shattered the screen this weekend and would like to know how to fix it without your parents finding out FAST?" link on their homepage.. i can't be the only one
I turn the corner to find her walking in the front door in a tee-shirt, two different shoes and no pants. All she said to me was "I'm sad"
I'm sorry that I ate boneless ribs off of your sister, but that is no reason to drink my alcohol.
She did my hair, then ate me out. Switching teams was an awesome decision.
I gotta figure out which 7 tampons in the box contains the drugs
I had sex in a panda mask the other night.
So the revenge porn my ex posted just resulted in a contract with a gay porn company. I'm going to make $8,000 this weekend. That would a breakup checkmate. Are you joining me in the legislative committee hearing tomorrow?
We will discuss everything tomorrow i presume. Including the sweaty naked tango.
We were drunk at 3am with no food. I sent him to the lobby with ninety cents for like a bag of chips and I swear on my life he came back with a meatball sub
...did you ask him where he got a meatball sub at 3:00am?
He just kept mumbling something about being a hunter/gatherer
Oh AND he got us two bags of chips.
I'm not fucking you with a Stormtrooper helmet on!
Honestly his girlfriend says she hates me cause she thinks im trying to get him to cheat on her with me...she should hate me cause i already accomplished that.
I cant promise hot guys but i can promise alcohol which is close enough.
Randomize
