Are you trying to threaten my boobs?
I hooked up with a Michael Jackson impersonator last night. Too soon?
He seriously just asked the doctor if taking the medicine for chlamydia was going to cut into his drinking time. Never let it be said that he is not dedicated.
If you're not washing nut sweat off of your forehead this morning I'm disappointed in you
I gave him 3 xanax and recorded the ball drop. He's gonna think tonight is New Years.
Just come get me. Somewhere there's hobo that's going to want his dumpster back, and I kinda want to be gone when he discovers the vomit.
I bet he'd be real motivational during sex. And he'd probably make you call him superman.
He says he invented a new sex move called The Redbird that we can only do when I'm on my period. Should I be concerned?
I think I need to see a chiropractor after giving that blow job
If you get laid dressed as my dad that makes me extremely uncomfortable
Im going to the gym...covered in the Brazilians cum
And how is that different than any other weeknight in your world
WHY IS THERE A GOLD FISH IN MY BONG??
Thanks for duct tapping my dick to my leg while I was passed out. I could only aim straight down. I stood on your bed. Have a nice day at work!
Legit sprained my cooter. No joke. Icing her down as we speak.
I just got a handjob in the back of an Uber while a large German dude and a Midwestern fuck-boi sang along in falsetto to the Bohemian Rhapsody.
Randomize
