he got instantly turned off in the middle of a blowjob when he heard the news "twilight beat the blockbuster record of batman"
i need you to babysit me first week back at school. havent had tequila, adderal, or sex w randoms in 3 months
I'll always be here to give you immoral support.
Our new roommate is sitting in the living room wearing a snuggie and clutching a handle of burnett's mixed with what appears to be crystal light and sobbing over a documentary about a dead race horse.
I know. Isn't she utterly fantastic?
Drug-sniffing dog walked past me and my suitcase in the train station. My opinion: they need a new dog
I'm walking home wearing Kermit the frog footie pajamas, carrying a monogrammed shot glass set with my name on it. It's fucking Christmas!
Are you alive?
I googled "I don't want to vomit anymore," and "how to rip out your uvula," at 9 am this morning, but I'm still here. Uvula and all.
My masturbation fantasy just had a wedding theme. I need new hobbies.
Hi you snuggled with me in my bed in a maid outfit
I cannot lay down. I will throw up my life and your life and the class hamster I had in third grade.
Apparently I've texted the word shitfucked so much it auto-completes it now.
Well that didn’t go as expected.
I mean, it ended in you giving each of them a blowjob, so it kinda did.
By the time we got to McDonald's you were sharing a Big Mac with a stripper.
Oh my fucking god!! There is a barefoot white guy with a fucking ninja sword in the middle of the street next to the pride gas station swinging his sword at peoples cars!! He almost got me. 3 people swerved off the road and stopped. I told a cop.
Those brownies did us in. I honestly blacked out completely.
What brownies? Ohmygod.
Randomize
