I walked out of the bathroom and both of you girls were giving the gay guy head. I was like, "laaaterrr."
taking a shot every time they compare curling to a real sport
who put toothpaste on EVERY doorknob in my house?!
Sorry for screaming that you were an apple in spanish at the bar last night, that was the wine talking
Day #3 of being the only sober person at the bar. This is depression.
Bro... You handed me an ice cube from your drink and said "tell me if it tastes like pickles".
Also was told that I was her "third favourite booty call" - I'm taking this a good thing right?
It's a podium place so yeah...
Except if I'm having sex. In which case you're in the bed with us or out of the room. No halfsie participation.
"Douchebag of the Year" award goes to the guy who didn't reply to the picture of my tits.
I actually had to tell him that sex doesn't replace my Tupperware. Our relationship has reached a weird level.
I need a new best friend. Someone who drinks like a fish, hooks up enough to raise eyebrows, and isn't afraid to admit that masturbation is the second best way to spend time. Someone like me! Help me put up posters.
woke up to a case of keystone on my porch when I went to bed at seven that morning.. I think it's someone's peace offering for getting my roommates car towed
No, the high point was when you stood on a chair and shouted you were the god of tits and wine.
He was pretty bad, I wanted pizza the whole time.
You are not the cause of late onset lesbianism.
Randomize
