Dude I just picked up a married chick while her husband was playing pool.
What do you mean you picked her up? How are you gonna leave the bar?
I didn't. I fucked her in the men's room. Come get me before he finds out.
That poor girl was naked and had to be at a job interview in an hour
I'm so excited for this wedding, I feel like a school girl about to get finger launched on the dance floor at the sadie hawkins dance
I just spent an unhealthy amount of money overnighting a full adult sized Trix Rabbit Halloween costume
She just used a turkey baster to transfer alcohol from the glass to the bottle. Just thought you should know
And I'm supposed to be surprised that you got another concussion?
That's science, my friend. Boner science.
She called all of my friends to find out where I was last night. 7 out of ten said their place.
I made this pact with my vagina, though. No more heartless fuckery.
I am on a roof. I'm not sure which one, or why, or how, but I am on a roof and you should come get me. I can see info classrooms!
She said she'll drive over, bang, and then head home. It's like ordering a pizza.
I just sent an "I'm sorry I forged a prescription in your name" email. It was one of the more awkward things I've done this week.
I can't decide if this outfit makes me look like a pirate. I also can't decide if I care if it does.
At some point, I’d like to pretend that his penis is a popsicle.
What the fuck dude? Now it's a "who is this?" convo going back and forth. Like... helllloooo you just sent me a picture of your penis! I'm entitled to ask who the fuck it is. I can't verify an identity by a body part.
Randomize
