i just woke up in the woods behind my house in handcuffs and a dan marino jersey ive never seen before
she just refered to her hymen as "the mrs"
you handed me your bra at the bar and said 'hold my purse'
He's throwing up in my bed and I'm not even getting fucked for this
If you wake up soonish don't worry. I took your dog to burger king and now we're going to see some nice girls.
Vegas should really enforce the buddy system because if not everyone is going to end up swimming during the water show in front of the Bellagio.
So instead of asking me for my number, he asked for my dad's because he wanted to "thank the man that helped create those tits."
well after pounding on the ceiling for 5 mins i just went up there to tell them to shut up.. 2 hours later i'm naked, high, lying on their kitchen floor. it escalated so quickly
I have managed to reach the 'after meth poster look' before lunch here...
He let me keep my Michael Jordan Bulls jersey on during sex.
After the 3rd time his brother walked in on us I asked "Does he ever knock?" his reply "This is his room"... Turns out he didn't even live there... I feel like a hoe.
Put an egg in my coffee filter this morning. I think I am still drunk.
If I spent my amateur stripper money does that mean I am cleansed of my sins?
Well, I'm most mad that he lied to you (about being married)...but the CAT THING IS A CLOSE SECOND
I just had to explain to my grandma what a reach-around is. Too far..
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