the line for where the wild things are looks like radiohead had sex with an urban outfitters
Woke up to the first three complete chapters of my new novel titled "If My Dick Could Talk" waiting for me on my laptop
Either this is the best sandwich I've ever had, or my stomach is just relieved to have something in it that's not Red Bull or semen.
The number of injuries I get impersonating Shakira while drunk is getting ridiculous. Sprained vagina, dude.
it was good sex until i became a rubber doll and he became a jack hammer, so i guess overall it was good
Who is Katie and why do we have her birthday cake?
I'm just over here all sober hanging with two high people talking about how they're "free-spirited stallions."
Nursing home in NJ just got busted for prostitution and drugs...dropping off my deposit tomorrow
So im waiting for someone at grand central and i look up AND THE ENTIRE BALCONY IS FILLED WITH BOY SCOUTS I AM TERRIFIED
I'll be the Broncos and you be the Seahawks and you can pound the shit out of me.
Did you put Dave Matthews band on the playlist? It's really hard to funnel when "Crash Into Me" kicks in.
Ladies don't puke and tell
If they start to date again I refuse to help her sext him. Helping my mom sext my dad is where I draw the line.
Straight boys are literally imbeciles. If Darwinism doesn’t get them female rage will.
She's celebrating a tinder-match-aversary and I'm not about that.
Randomize
