my best friend tried to rape me with a pineapple
Bein cut off at a bar is embarassing ...until you get to the next bar.
I tried doing a handstand in the middle of the bar and I ended up kicking this old guy in the face and broke his glasses. Thats how I got kicked out
Youre the drunk baby that everyone wants to take care of.
Came so hard when I was riding him that I actually bit some of his chest hair off. He said I was the first girl ever to do THAT.
We watched scrubs, then I got a shower blowjob which led to shower sex and the living room floor sex. Now she's baking cookies. I may not be studying, but I'm doing something right.
Did you have ill-advised lesbian sex on the deathbed of their relationship?
Of course. Go big or go home.
You're my fucking queen.
they set my background as his mugshot to remind me "having a big penis won't be a valid excuse in a court room."
I lost my bra at his grandma's house so there's that.
It's sad that I'm more proud of my Twitter account then my resume
She left you responsible for her guinea pig for what, 3 hours? And it somehow died under your care? I will no longer trust you with so much as a beer.
First contact since we had sex and it's to get my HBO password. I sure pick winners huh
So I'm at early voting and the group of ladies behind me is talking about voting no on 2 and my gummy is kicking in, thank lawd
You smell like a steam boat captain.
Whatever your on right now, I want.
Just boned her on my desk. on top of my term paper. take that professor dipshit
Randomize
