gonna sleep on the stairs... to drunk to keep going up, way to drunk to go down, gonna find a comfy spot right here... its safer that way
I just bedazzled my weight watchers points calculator. You can tell I'm gay.
Yeah but then he looked at me bleeding on the floor, said oh i guess you need to go to the hospital now, and left
He drew a bath for me. It was only cute until he started throwing in celery and calling me soup.
Why the fuck did I wake up in a chair with mouth clamps?!
DONT LET HIM GET NAKED. JUST SAY NO
She's high and running across rooftops. Yes we're going to end up in A&E again.
My life is a clusterfuck of men and disorderly priorities right meow.
Yeah man... I ordered donuts, drank wine, and cried to a movie with Seth Rogen in it. Do you really think I have my shit together?
I found pix on her phone of me passed out and her sticking things up my ass. Its over.
I climbed through his window to find him already with another booty call. This wouldn't have happened if I could upgrade from my 7th grade scooter to a real car.
…If I were you I wouldn't use that as part of your argument to your dad for a car
We got to his house, cuddled while watching game of thrones, then fucked during the repeat airing.
I told her I had a small penis. Then replied if Peter Pan won with a dagger then so can I
Drunk assassins creed leads to explaining to my father that "it was only a steak knife in the arm"
I'm literally about to create a tinder account. Just so someone drives me to get food.
Randomize
