I wonder if you could grow some weed in a chia pet
Just woke up. First thing I see: Little brother eating last night's jello shots thinking they're reg jello.
You were scared that your teeth were shrinking so you stuck your fist in your mouth. then you were convinced your hand was growing cuz it got stuck so yu started crying
Just think about how many life skills I lack. Cooking... Driving... Sobriety...
One question: Why is your trash can full of blood and pop-tarts?
Do you relize what downtown will be like this week? Like open season. But instead of deer its hot baseball players from all over the country that we'll never have to see again. I swear the college world series is a gift from god.
I will fuck him senseless, no need for a priest.
I only have one eye to read your texts because I just stabbed one out after reading that last text.
YOU ARE OBSESSED WITH PORCHES. I AM OBSESSED WITH PORCHES. HOW IS THIS REAL.
We call her skankles because she's a skank and she has cankles, I thought that was obvious
I am no longer drunk enough to crave tostitos
He won a jackpot and invited his ex girlfriend over to have sex on 5grand
You did things that should be illegal to a Twinkie and asked strangers to drive you home.
Whenever you have to pee or whatever I'll be over here to harass you
This is not a drill. I need a cape. And a tuxedo. Simultaneously. Repeat. NOT. A. DRILL....
Woke up on my sisters couch, and it was like the start of a Terminator movie,my brother in law was passed out on the floor naked in the fetal position. We now call him Arnold. It was an epic night.
Randomize
