When my kids ask how I lost my virginity Im going to have to tell them of a mythical thing called "Myspace" and how strangers could lure you into their "den of love" thanks to clever quotes and graphics
I couldn't tell if he was hitting on me or if he was just mentally challenged.
I had a dream that I had 21 friend requests. it was the best day
Why am I getting the stink eye from these people? They're acting like BYOB isn't kosher in a laundromat.
Hey they cleaned all the blood out of the elevator. Also could you pick up some nachos?
Walked into my campus store carrying a pitcher of sangria. No fucks given. Also this recipe is banging.
I got my little bro high for the first time... Turns out the two of us stoned together is a mess. We spent 10 minutes trying to communicate with each other using just our eyebrows.
I'm surprised, it's been so long you must be starving
At a certain point, the zombie-like hunger goes away. Then the sadness sets in. Then you start lying to yourself that you're taking some "me time." Then you remember you dodged chlamydia and Buddha knows what else. Then you're at peace with it.
I think I blacked out after I decided drinking alone on the trailered jetskis was a good idea
I still have the video of you three making soup in my kitchen and asking random people for permission DURING the party, not after like usually
Don't remember, didn't happen
I HAVE THE VIDEO YOU DICK IT HAPPENED
And then she said "welcome homeeeee!!!" As she got off. Best thing about being back from Afghanistan
I think the reason she hasn't text me back is because I spanked her ass with Hulk Hands
No it's a real cult, with original ideas and shit like that
I have 2 phone numbers written on my vagina. I told you I shouldnt be left to my own devices after tequila shots.
He knocked me over backwards in my chair. I had a beer in each hand. Didn't spill a drop.
Randomize
