better question... why wasnt i wearing a cape the previous 20 years of my life???
just took my abortion antibiotic with my martini. i no longer wonder how i got into this situation.
just peed on the 7/11 floor and casually left. Omg so drunk
I realized I was totally the dude in that hook up. I came first and didn't wanna help him finish. And he had paisley sheets.
we somehow managed to fit a llama, a stripper pole and a hayride all into the same day.
I should start wearing my Batman shirt more often when I drink. Good things happen. All sorts of shit.
I've been asked to reupholster their slam-couch so I found some off-cuts of medical-grade, hermetically sealed fabric. She'll be slammed upon for generations to come.
She is currently drunk and caressing my professor's face with one hand.
I'm worried because he hasn't removed it.
Just letting everyone know that I am still alive after last night. On a related note, this is the 15th "I'm not dead!" mass text I've sent. You've got to celebrate the little things.
turns out it took a Belgian couchsurfer dressed as Heisenberg to rock my world.
Let us bow our heads and pray that I don't throw up in the tub
You put on some guys Birkenstocks that were abandoned on the dance floor overtop of your flats. Then ran out of the bar high gives the bouncer and said "look at my new kicks" then he was like woah wait a minute someone is missing those and made you return them. You were very upset
That went from 0 to lesbian orgy much faster than expected...
Anyone who does not consider cereal and wine as a balanced breakfast needs to leave immediately.
Slept in and having coffee. No sounds of whipping and no veiny dildos next to me. This is good. How's your mornin?
Randomize
