I'm terrified to sleep next to her. Of course the sex will be fuckng awesome.
I just threw up blood. Also i just remembered i got hit in the face with a 2 by 4.
My body is a temple...that happens to be able to get me free Patron shots at the bar
Guess who won a bet and gets to name it Optimus prime if it's a boy
Nevermind. Totally worth it.
I've known you for the past two years. You never kid about biology or alcohol.
I would come over if there was not the impending fear of me shitting out my brains.
Dude, I came home and you were passed out halfway through the front door in your Minnie Mouse outfit... with a beer still in hand
Speeding home on my break at work because I forgot to grab my Percocets that I have because getting through work sober's too hard
We celebrated our relationship by shotgunning beers on his lawn in our underwear. I may have to marry this man...
I don't know what the bubonic plague feels like- but I'm gonna guess its something like this.
Leave it to me to pull up my boyfriend’s grandfather’s obituary just to find out the name of his sister.
I accidentally sent my dad a very explicit Star Wars fanfiction and he replied with "That was great!"
I hate to be the bearer of bad news, but yours is no longer the biggest penis I've seen. It is however, still the prettiest.
we bonded over knowing every word to freaky gurl by gucci mane so it’s kinda starting to make sense why I gave him head in his cul de sac
Sex. Target parking lot. I really am the mayor.
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