My gyno actually laughed when I told her about his penis size.
Last night Brynn convinced every person at the party wearing glasses that they stole hers, and she woke up with 8 pairs of prescription glasses in her bag.
She told me she couldnt give me head last night because she was running out of listerine
There is something depressing about eating toast in a dark living room by myself using a paper plate that says: "Let's Party!"
Apparently she held up my head the entire 40 minutes, convincing the cab driver that I was okay
I legitimately sent him a storybook of naked pictures.
i proceeded to stick my hands in his pants while he continued to repeat i have a girlfriend
Best part of failing a semester of college: not having to buy books next semester. I can drink to that
I just feel like a girl who's never eaten a pb&j probably doesn't swallow
He could have been a one armed faceless howler monkey. I was so slammered that I didn't care what I was having sex with or if whatever it was... was doing it right.
No it was good. I serenaded the holding cell occupants with a fabulous rendition of Making Love out of Nothing at all. It was fucking amazing!
Apparently there's nothing on sonza for "giving a handjob while sunbathing"
Okay who let me pass out in a recliner cuddling a pitbull and a cardboard cutout of Orlando Bloom
Why was I so drunk last night that I licked the bar and then the bartenders face? Why didn't you stop me? We can never go back there.
I could see the visible disappointment when she saw my penis
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