You don't think I'm weird or immature right?
No I think it's cute we had sex on your Bob the Builder sheets
I just puked into a plastic bag at a red light. Go me.
I can't go out tonight. I feel like I'm starting to party as much as Farrah on Teen Mom.
If i'm not hungover, near death, and wondering what i did the night before on Monday, life is not worth living.
I know we had a good night last night because his turtle was half asleep chewing on the used condom.
My bosses just told me they met their wives on one night stands. I'm stoked.
I gave you a 45 minute blowjob. You were inside me for 3 minutes. I'm going to need you to get your shit together.
A conundrum I think only you would understand: how to classily post "I need a ride to the liquor store" on one's Facebook wall?
My concierge just asked me to his place for dinner while I was signing for a delivery. The delivery was a box of vibrators. Let's discuss.
I've only hooked up with engineers this year and it may be the best future financial decision I've ever made
Just remember that no one else gets to suck his dick but you, feel honored. It's like the Olympic torch of life is being passed off to you and it's your time to run
His wedding band got caught on my nipple ring and that's how I realized he was married
DO NOT TOUCH THE SOAP ITS HAD SOME UNORTHODOX USES WITHIN THE PAST 15 HOURS
I must stop trying to make out with my friends when I'm hammered.
Kinda. I got kicked outta the bar, and then incited a riot until the cops came and I bailed
Randomize
