I faked an abortion last night.
watching a tv show about cocaine.. just explained to my mom why the test monkey chose coke over food
smell my finger.
as soon as I walked into work this morning, my boss called me out on my hangover, patted me on the back and said I'm getting time an a half for even showing up. Did I really look that bad this morning?
3 things. 1. is this real life 2. my liver hates me 3. keg race tonight
he's measuring my pool to see how much jello powder he needs. He got paid today.
Goats are brash and offensive and cocky animals
Are you high and at a petting zoo again?
I want to celebrate with you...
There's nothing I'd like more than a celebratory "The guy I'm doing just found out he's not a baby daddy" dinner.
We used a lit joint as a candle for her birthday cake
I am walking funny today. And it's sad because it's from the bad encounter with the sidewalk rather than a good encounter with a stripper
Wait do you remember that guy last night asking to use my nose ring to open his beer.......
I'm at the nutcracker high as shit. It's so beautiful. I cried.
Dude. Woke up this morning wearing that chick's panties. 8/10, would recommend. I love tequila.
burned my penis with a sauteed onion again.
Btw that $18 I gave you to run around outside naked came out of your wallet.
Randomize
