My cousin's wedding had personal beer funnels for each table and a drinking game against the bride and groom. im sorry for ever calling you white trash
My roommate was eating ketchup out of a bowl. Get me the hell out of here.
I knew I was in the wrong bar when "I have a daughter your age" was some random's pick up line.
This is the way my sobriety ends: Not with a bang, but with a whimper.
I am getting drunk. And i'm going to paint my face and slide down the stairs like Pochahontas. Goodbye
Im rolling a blunt of encouragement for you to return to
Well this lady at the bar told me I was a natural on the tambourine and that it was my God given talent. and then she gave me a tambourine.
He had bigger boobs than me last night and we both weren't wearing a bra so it was a fair judgement
Either I'm paranoid or I swear my parents rigged my house so you can never sneak in or have the munchies without being loud.
Hindsight: Dressing up in nothing but a bra, booty shorts, and police tape made for the most awkward walk of shame of my life.
Just saw a couple do like 5 Sakai bombs and my dad goes "who says love is dead"
So hungover. Have a black eye from where I tried to brush my teeth and stabbed myself in the eye instead. Should make the performance review I was stress drinking about go so much better.
Ok well i was gonna say you can only borrow my fog machine if you will use it to emerge from your room in a cloud of smoke after having sex with sarah, so yeah we're good
HE STARTED HUMMING THE THEME TO STAR WARS!! WHILE I'M SUCKING HIS DICK!!
Just because you are home alone for the weekend doesn't mean you can act like a nudist.
I accept your opinion but respectfully disagree. Also, I'm sitting in your chair.
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