My mom said she was relieved to see that I'd gained some weight bc she's "always worried" that I might have AIDS.
I woke up on a raft in a bath tub filled with beer. excellent night.
I woke up and we were making out. So the good news is that after two years off the market, I haven't lost a step. I'm picking up girls in my sleep now.
But on the up side she uprooted a whole peony plant from the hotel downtown and said, "I brought you flowers"
The cop was more concerned with the fact I had cowboy boots on with shorts than the fact we were under age
I'm hungover from arbor mist I'm so white
apparently when a guy says "if there's anything missing in your life, I will provide" he's not expecting attractive lesbians to be the answer.
I wish I knew the extent of my injuries before I climbed over the fence. Might have avoided the need to purchase a cupholder for my wheelchair.
Throwing up into Nora's potty chair while simultaneously having beer shits was truly the highlight of my Christmas season.
2014 decided to stick it to me one last time. Right up the ass.
He asked if I had any questions. Apparently, "how thick is the stick up your ass" was not a correct question.
I spanked her so hard I woke up Grandma
Some people are good at football, some people are good at painting, and he's good at being a fuckboy. Everyone has their talents.
He caught me mid-escape...one leg out the window, bra n thong in hand.I just looked at him and said "Bye Now" n proceeded to fall out his window....then.... tell me why he texted me 30 min later to make sure i got home ok! #igotthis
Hi,\n\nYou left your underwear in my Uber. Thanks and bye.
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