i just smoke outta the biggest bowl i've ever seen. the kid was totally compensating for a tiny weeenie.
I'm sooo using this pickup line: "Baby, its not the 2.5 inches... Its the 200 pounds behind it"
Turns out drinking large amounts of Gentleman Jack does NOT turn you into a Gentleman -- quite the opposite actually.
Buying $100 worth of beef jerkey sounded like a terrific idea last night.
No mine's bigger. It just looks smaller because I'm drunk
She told me that as long as she kept starring at the freckle on her arm she wouldnt throw up
The kid that passed out is still in the bathtub filled with ice and the empties
Like I had no idea he knew how to play girls the way he played me. His major is chemistry for christ's sake.
I think they were making kool-aid in my bed. There is lots of sugar and my hands and face are stained blue.
I'm not saying Tijuana was a bad idea, I'm saying that we make poor life choices. And Steve was robbed by the police.
New game I thought of while bored on the train. Anytime I get a text from an ex, I will randomly text a different ex. It's like a less charitable version of pay it forward.
She said she's different now I guess anytime you get a bible tatt it automatically cancels out all the whoring you did for 10 years
Best thing she said after I kicked her out "rugby guys have single handedly ruined my faith in men"
You really need to not quote Anchorman while I'm giving you a serious blowjob.
I haven’t taken my socks off in over 36 hours. I should add that to my bumble profile.
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