I'm youtube-ing children's choirs. Am I adorable? Or am I a child predator?
Predator. Straight up.
Since you didn't call me back last night, I can only assume that in 9 months you're going to have a child that I'm going to refer to as, "Daddy's little mistake in Miami."
my mom just told me its unladylike to have toothpaste stains on my clothes all the time.. if she only knew.
I went golfing for the first time today!! Aren't you proud?
Driving a golf cart around all day with a keg attatched to the back doesn't exactly count as golfing
Omg considering I am covered in cake and probably cocaine that is the greatest news I have ever heard
Hahahaaa There's this one girl crying hysterically and wrapped around (i believe) her ex's leg. He's trying to shake her off without spilling his beer. This is fucking priceless.
I still have a scar from the last time she gave me a handjob. There is NO WAY i'll stick my dick anywhere near her again
do you remember the random banging on my door at 3 am wearing 2 budlight cases as a dress
Come on there are only so many drink coaster sizes nipples in the world
I just finished a four mile round trip walk to CVS to buy shaving cream and lube. You're welcome.
He called me twice and texted me at 3am. Guess absence makes the dick grow harder.
He found his first fuckbuddy I'm so proud I feel like making him a card or something
I'm really stressed out right now.
I think you're confusing "stressed" and "sober".
Who the fresh hell put 2 pillows a raincoat and a guitar on top of me to keep me warm last night
Have you actually looked at the corn flakes box? I don't think the rooster has a soul.
Randomize
