captain morgan taught me last night that resee's puffs are way better when eaten straight out of the sink.
She is a fish and this place is a barrel. I can play this game.
so i just realized i am an alcoholic. I was making some tomato soup because im still sick, and put vodka in it. sad huh? lets go out!
I'm sitting in front of the mirror eating cereal and pondering how my boobs got so big
Welcome to my life
He noticed there was ketchup on his shirt and took it off. Noticed there were people there and put it back on. Then he saw the ketchup again. He must have taken his shirt on and off about 6 times
He was just laying on the stairs and then screamed, "Is that a clubhouse?" I haven't seen him since
I legit just said "vaginal access denied" then told him his password hint was "tequila shots"
Literally lying on a futon being hand fed bacon
Fuck you.
Unlike bears, this weekend is not the #1 threat to America. It is, however, the #1 threat to my liver
This may be a weird question to ask someone who is 21 years old, but are you grounded?
Sorry for the milk in the bathroom. I was washing mace out of the one security guys eyes
I immediately woke up from my nap, made myself a screwdriver and got in the shower. I know it's spring break but I'm still questioning my life choices.
I want to fling myself into the sun
I mean, I already saw his dick in person and wasn't impressed so why is he sending me a picture of it, anyway? I hate re-runs!
How you run into a glAss door three times in a row I do not know
Randomize
