OH RELAX, IT WAS PITY SEX.....
I woke up this morning to 7 word documents that all said "remember to be extremely angry at your jerk of a brother." What the hell did you do to me last night?
There is NOTHING better than watching a child being chased by an ostrich.
Sorry i'm not sorry i made out with your dad. It was father's day weekend, get a grip
I just want to go some place where I can have a nice night. Grind on men who speak no English, make out with a girl, and not feel judged.
Outta milk. Using rum instead for pancake mix. Drunk Thursday is a gooo
In one night, this kid threw a firecracker under a fucking cop car, crashed three seperate parties, and passed out in a tree in our backyard. Do you even know who he is?
She started howling at the moon. That was pretty much the deal breaker.
They should have to wear some identification that warns you to stay away. Like one of those cones dogs wear to keep them from biting stitches. CONE OF SHAME.
Hypothetically going to the gym on coke was a good idea
At orientation, some girl is asking, loudly, where she can get weed. Everyone looks discussed but are paying very close attention to people's answers.
they wouldnt let me drive the convertible because i was in a bird suit :(
What's it called where you go to the stripclub with two guys that have both gone down on you...
Tuesday
I HAVE 5 FELTING NEEDLES AND THEYRE GOING DIRECTLY INTO YOUR EYES IF YOU POST THAT SHIT
His abs are so defined he looks like a human xylophone.
Randomize
