I think I might be in your shoes. Except they are actually my shoes. Either way these shoes are wasted.
do you think there was ever a doctor who smelled his finger after giving a prostate exam?
i walked in on him listening to enya, jacking off, and vomiting into a cup on his desk. are you serious.
I just want to apologize for screaming when I saw you the other day. It's just that you looked really gross and I was high.
I came home to burning cookies and him outside "tanning" naked.
He just wants an even tan
Im going to need an iv of taco bell after this.
He's bringing condoms over for me in case we "bone".... the fact he calls it boning is not a great start.
Biggest penis I've ever pity fucked
I love our strategizing... I wish we used the same passion for planning our lives and future that we use for planning our drunken escapades... We would both be doctors by now, I swear
Names, who you're caught in bed with, both minor details
Like will they card me for my own whiskey in shampoo bottles?
But I've also made plans to crash a black tie event wearing a storm trooper helmet. I think I've found the love of my life..
He's just been a dick since he set his face on fire. I just wanted to eat a fucking hot dog.
I swear if you help me with this I will eat you out and buy you all the Taco Bell you want.
I told my mom that I was just gonna go check the mail. It's been 19 hours, and I woke up in a hot tub covered in chocolate, with a text from her sayin "have fun sweetie"
Randomize
