My dad just sent me a text telling me to "say hi to all the luscious bitches" at the gay bar. Guess this explains my childhood
Liz and I are now offficially highest. OH, and your girlfriend may be a vampire. Heads up. SPARKLESSSSS
Put my glitter back.
There comes a time in every man's life where he has to shit in a catbox to prove a point.
Singing into hair straightener during spice girls....sooo dangerous
He said he's gonna start calling me "Benny" because we're "friends with bennyfits"
Its only tuesday and I need a dd home from work. This is getting too easy.
The fish's death was accidental. We all said a few words at his funeral. Roomie wanted to play only the good die young as he swirled down the toilet bowl
You're the Michael Phelps of my vagina. Most decorated Fuckolympian of all time.
Am I going to be on condom boxes?
I definitely think in addition to buying paint ball guns this summer we should invest in a breathalyzer. That way every drunk night turns into a competition, who can blow over the legal limit more. The loser gets shot while hungover. Shit goes hand in hand if you ask me.
What's the best day of the week to potentially find out you're pregnant with your ex's baby?
Dude we need to hang out soon. I'm in the mood to get arrested again.
Ha! Just garden hosed my vag and thought of you.
would it be awkward if i bring my husband?
only if i fuck you in the bathroom while he's paying the check
I'm not fucking you with a Stormtrooper helmet on!
Honestly, this social distancing bullshit is giving me a good excuse for drinking alone.
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