While sitting in bed naked eating ramen and watching the colbert report I realize why random sex happens.
Shotgunned a beer while taking a bath.
the laptop wouldn't balance on his lap. that's how well endowed he is.
I just reached for my seatbelt when I sat down to pee... Might be a little hungover.
Me and the cabbie are stopping on the way at a sit down restaurant to eat. My life is so sad.
I need a drink and a shade of lipstick that will put the fear of God in a man's heart.
I'm glad your nude photos turned out "classy" but you cannot hang them in the living room.
WOKE UP NEXT TO A PLATE OF MEATBALLS HAPPY MONDAY
I am praying to every god I can that he drank so much that he won't even remember me
How do you get the "hangs out with drunk assholes" insurance
Nothing says "Happy New Year" like having to shit into a plastic bag.
I just saw your brother in some random persons yard climbing a tree. Just saying.
Probably on drugs.
So was it everything you dreamed it would be
I puked.
Twice.
So is that a yes?
She left a cookie cake on my porch, and the frosting reads "I'm sorry". She left me an I'm-sorry-for-punching-you-in-the-face cake.
Omg. I'm living macklemores best life. I have someone's granddads dog, I'm about to have someone's grandmas car. I look incredible.
Randomize
