Pooping in your heated bathroom to the sound of rain and instrumental guitar might be the greatest experience ever.
I hope i woe up in your car, or else i stole someone elses and slept in the back seat
how do you say "fuck me and leave bruises" in italian?
im pretty sure this vending machine only exists when im drunk
I'm stuck on the dance floor between two fat people. I don't think they feel my existence. Please help.
Although I would ideally cut back on smoking weed, imagine what getting high and looking for our spirit animals would be like
Mixing coffee with vodka may have been a bad choice, I feel like I'm pregnant and the baby is trying to perform a c-section from the inside.
you sternly forced jackson to start preheating the oven around midnight so you could make bagels in the morning
you were serious about those bagels
We hooked up with 2 friends last night as always and she stole their fucking cocaine and I just had to drive to their house and make her give it back to him hahshshahahah only me
I may have just tried to argue quantum entanglement as the reason I was still in her bed.
He skipped an important family function with his dying father to fuck me. Terrible human, amazing fuck buddy.
Wow dude wow that's sad man so sad. I dno't event wanna massturbate anymore due to teh sadness
Refresh my memory....were we forced to leave or did we choose to leave?
just licked whipped cream off some model's nipple... just coming clean for when the pic gets on instagram because i am not untagging that shit
I think I deserve an award for the breakup text I sent him. Like a pulitzer prize or a donut or something.
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