I dont kno what was worse. Waking up 2 a guy next to me thinking I got blackout or realizing it was your boyfriend.
but really, i care about skinny girls as much as michael vick cares about rotweilers
Ha Ha the cop that just pulled me over would like me to tell you hi!
I want Paula Dean to narrate shark week next year
note to self: an IV pole is no substitute for a stripper pole. Written it on my ankle cast.
It's amazing how many friends she makes simply by carrying that flask of whiskey everywhere she goes.
Last night was the first night with all of the roommates, and what started as a calm night of light drinking got out of hand. There's a girl on my couch wearing only a fanny pack.
We left the bar in 2 bicycle cabs. It cost thirty bucks and they took us to the wrong hotel. When we finally made it to the right one we ended up in a room with three randos from alaska. Jammed out with them for like an hour. Those inuits are good guitar players
Has anyone ever told you you're majestic like a sea turtle when you fuck?
And your cock privileges have been revoked.
Her idea of kinky involved a tazer
wtf?
I'm going back tonight
Hey. I thought you were saving your 80s playlist til marriage.
I would say I'm the man in the relationship but I'm cuddled on the couch eating cake mix and water.
My body is telling me there was tequila. My pictures say it was Jeff's fault
I baked a frozen pizza completely, put it back in the plastic and box, and put it back in the freezer. THAT drunk.
I'm too depressed to masturbate. This election is the worst.
Randomize
