I just saw a guy masturbating vigorously at the bus stop across from del taco at 2:30am...im pretty sure he wasn't even homeless
You put your red cup in a chain link fence and kept telling me you could use it as a telescope
I think I've given more of my business cards to Chipotle trying to win free burritos than anyone else
At what number of girls whose last names are stored in your phone book as drinking establishments does it become excessive?
what did you hear about me?
that you are a very nice girl and a pleasure to be around
that was hard to say and not laugh
I just remember thinking that if i ran really fast through the house, no one would notice i was naked.
i feel like pizza bites are my only friend right now
Aj and I already plan to tape our thumbs to our palms so we know how it feels to be a t-rex.
The moral of the story is do not hire me because everything will end up smelling like pickles and I will not sufficiently clean it up.
That hot guy i showed you guessed my exact bra size. I want to have his tan babies.
A duck just looked me in the eye whilst I peed in a lake. I feel so dirty.
Best line overheard at the bar: "This is the last time I'm shaving my ass for him...I mean we just broke up".
I'm fucking blazing boy. 5hr weed sauce kicked in and my entire face feels like an 8ball of gold bond flying down a mountain of Fresh powder. Just gliding.
Imagine the quality of nudes you could send with a selfie stick
I'm nothing if not determined to sleep with everyone at that company
Randomize
