In line at the arbys drive thru on foot. Legendary.
I'm dying. Please wear something slutty to my funeral.
Girl last night got so wet when I was going on down her it flooded up my nose. I nearly drown
I'm at my inlaws playing Scrabble. Go Fuck Yourself.
yeah my mom told me she knows when i come home high because i use my turn signal while turning into the driveway...
So it turns out my dad calls his penis "John" which means he either named me after his penis or his penis after me
I'm sober enough to question why I have your name as "the wolverine" in my phone.
The first clue should've been that he literally had shit in his hair. How does that even happen?
I dont care what I am for halloween, as long as i'm not a father after
The sigh of relief when u realize none of your drunk texts will result in permanent damage
The smell came through my closed door. His farts are made of rendered tires, and apparently, ghosts.
So I found out me and this guy I was drinking beer with tonight both got lactated on by the same stripper. We're milk brothers.
Just followed a blind kid around for 20 minutes to see how awesome his guide dog was. And he was pretty fucking awesome
Or I could hide in your trunk so you can sneak out of putt putt for sex breaks
Please tell me I didn't send you a dick pic in the middle of Peter Pan..
For a second fuck I think last night went extremely well... our sexual relationship is progressing at a pace that im quite satisfied with.
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