there are definitely too many half naked pictures of me out there for me to ever be famous.
Con: they had to cauterize my wound twice. Pro: The docs agreed I'll be able to get really drunk tonight since I've lost so much blood.
sound pretty economical
i'll give you all the meat in my fridge in exchange for 2 condoms.
So he just rolled over in his sleep and said "that's a punctuation mark..."
I guess I gave him a 20 minute play-by-play of the first three sections of R. Kelly's 'trapped in a closet.'
Can you explain to me later why there's a pirate hat in my bathtub
Mission get my tooth back and find a new dick to ride starts after i sleep for the first time in 2 days.
DUDE, DID YOU KNOW YOU CAN JUST RENT AN ELEPHANT???
Oh God.
You are going to be so proud of me, I'm wearing underwear AND tights. That's two layers more than usual between my vagina and the world.
she brought my homemade cookies with condoms taped to the box... im in love
Is it bad if one of my goals right now is to snort blow through a licorice?
Don't answer that. It is bad.
He really thought ahead and just left the tequila in the mail box for late night pickup. Best. Friend. Ever.
Didn't pick classes because we were out all weekend...only open course is "alcohol and drug problems". Fucking ironic.
Okay first of all, that is a sick ass nickname please call me that forever. Second, i need your help.
I havent moved from the couch and I'm licking peanut butter from a spoon, I'm a beautiful person.
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