you lied. pity sex is amazing.
nothing like baby laughter to ruin a masturbation moment
Just got a blowjob on the pier where my great-grandfather entered America.
What if I told you that I had 160 ounces of cheap malt liquor in my backpack? Espn films 40 for 40s presents: Edward 40 hands. Our room. 11PM/10 central
Attempted to dodge my boyfriends cum last night and ended up falling off the bed and getting the worlds most painful charlie horse. fuck my life.
He left in the middle of the night, he left his shoes behind and stole my doc martens..size 6 female. Wtf?
Wearing a shark mask, slugging tequilla, in cowboy boots, and not minding that my spandex is on backwards. What are you up to?
I'm a bit broke right now... Would it be OK if I pay you in champagne and Xanax?
I had to rename my dildo. I met a little kid who named his teddy bear the same name. It just felt wrong.
Yeah but you let me touch your butt. You're clearly the winner.
And then I realized my chick friends consist only of sober you, drunk you and hungover you
Either my apartment is haunted or I'm far more drunk than I thought
so at target i bought condoms, on sale undies, pasta roni, and martini mix. the old lady who rang me up asked "honey are you a freshman?" yea lady i am, thanks.
Tomorrow's lesson plan is going to be on hangovers and why drinking during the week is never a good idea. I hope my boss approves.
Ps can u get with my cousin? He's a freshman at uconn and he's very attractive but like were related....
Randomize
