Why are you at a bar in Connecticut?
Long story. One that now involves lots of delicious chicken wings om nom nom
If my vag had twitter, what do you think it would say?
Your sister thinks she pees out of her clit. Did you have Sex Ed or Sunday School growing up?
I started dry heaving in the middle of sex and she says "You moan funny."
don't be alarmed if you come back and i'm passed out drunk and naked cuddling with the franzia.
Now that I'm single, I like to think of myself as in a relationship with Taco Bell.
somebody put my brain in a crown royal bag and beat the shit out of it
No we just stood in the kitchen and laughed for 2 hours about how funny the popcorn noise was.
Thank god for federal credentials. Waaaaayyyy to hungover to go through airport security lines right now.
We hooked up with 2 friends last night as always and she stole their fucking cocaine and I just had to drive to their house and make her give it back to him hahshshahahah only me
Oh I know babe. You're shining beacon of adult responsibility. That's why I go down on you.
I go down on you because abs
She has that type of face she reminds me of that weird girl from napoleon dynamite only taller and with hoop earrings.
Will u make me a "6 month anniversary of being single" cake??? I wanna celebrate
You can come over but I have to warn you that it is naked Sunday.
Today will be the day I throw up in my backpack in the middle of class
Randomize
