masturbating is 5million times harder to finish knowing grandma is in the guestroom downstairs. just so you know.
There is a clear recurring theme of me having sex in restrooms that really needs to stops
apparently they wrote a song entitled "butt slut" about her... im thinking shes not girlfriend material.
Then he told me he was proud of me for remembering that i blew him that night.. Maybe my drinking is getting out of hand.
Were you rubbing your penis on me while I slept? I smell like penis.
Douche bag was crowd surfing, sack punched him. Crowd carried him away in a ball of agony. LIFE=COMPLETE.
Also I've decided that I'm buying the next friend of mine who is dumb enough to get married a live porcupine as a wedding present.
Two women at the Safeway just got out of their separate cars and kissed. One was driving an outback, the other a CRV. It was like a Honda and Subaru had a lesbian joint venture and filmed the commercial in front of me.
He followed me on twitter after I posted a drunk screen shot of a tweet. It's like he gave me permission to stalk him on a whole different level.
Why didn't you tell me I was calling her by her sisters name all night?
I'll be there with bells on. And by "bells" I mean "jäger bombs". And by "on" I mean "being poured down my gullet".
And then he dove into my vagina like scrooge mcduck into a room of gold
FINE. BE CELIBATE AND ACCUMULATE CATS. SEE IF I CARE.
I woke up using a beer can as a pillow. successful party?
I woke up in a bathtub full of green and blue Nickelodeon slime! wtf?!
Randomize
