i'm the matthew mcconaghey of this party. i'm too old, and too high.
i hate this light. i wouldnt even hook up with me in this light
We're pretty sure the 'pocket' aspect of the hot pocket is unnecessary. Testing our theory now.
there is nothing like a happy birthday present when you wake up with a bow on your vagina.
My neighbor is on the his front porch in a robe dipping a popsicle into what appears to be vodka. I want to be his son.
I'm not proud of how I threatened that 8 year old during drunken laser tag
I asked him why he was eating an entire can of refried beans, the only answer I got was "revenge"
I think your dad took our porno
It's official. Those are now your come fuck me flipflops
When did it become normal to wake up in the middle of the night to take a group bathroom break and have a 10 minute discussion on where the next football game is?
Make sure you plan your visit for October. That's ACL festival, it's like every Bro in the country converges on Austin. My vagina wants to go hunting.
My roommates don't agree with the whole tv in the bathroom idea. Fucking barbarians.
Btw "you gettin a workout in" isn't a great gym pickup line. Like no I'm fucking grabbing lunch on my way to class.
He showed me a picture of his family on Instagram and his dad was my Sugar Daddy. ABORT.
The girl in the hotel room next to us walked out at the same time as me this morning. She just shook her head, looked at me and said, "faker." Is it that easy to tell?!??
Randomize
