if your leaving for the weekend then im farting on your pillow
If he eats mayonnaise, he's not getting laid. End of story.
I realize now. I should have just made out with everyone and anyone when I had the chance.
that girl looks like she smells like hot dog water...
My girlfriend was pissed, so if I had to guess, i'd say I had a GREAT time last night
I walked into his room and he was naked with a half eaten pecan pie and a bottle of wine.
He crawled in my bed this morning, ate me out, and even brought me a panera deli sammie for lunch at school. I don't care what he lied about, all is forgiven him.
If you're not peeing in public bi-monthly, you're not really living.
I think the exact words were 'I'd lett him to the weirdest shit to me'
I woke up to a shattered My Little Pony garbage pail, a black eye I don't know how I got and no one will look me in the face. Fuck tequila.
Oh, and one of the worst parts... his name was Mario. I fucked a Nintendo character.
I knew you were cut off when you tried to order a "Phil Collins"
I threw my back out having sex last night. I don’t know whether to high five myself for a job well done or cry because I’m old.
My co-worker accidentally texted me regarding the threesome him and other one are planning.
I am drunk shake weighting right now.
Randomize
