i'm almost one hundred percent positive that i have a warrant out for my arrest in this city. i also don't give a fuck because im drinking TEQUILAAAA
Your parents are going to be so confused in the morning
More like pissed. but ill be sure to explain my pathological fear of terrorists hiding in the bathtub
I wish i could be there for it
Listen: if you or anyone else at work finds a starfish in a bowl, just leave it. It'll be gone by next week.
Better yet, if you find it can you put it in the mini-fridge in your office for safe keeping? Spanks.
And if it's going to get me in trouble, maybe just don't mention that I know anything about it.
Which one of you FUCKERS filled the toilet with soil and planted my mothers daisys in it? NOT FUCKING HAPPY
I was wasted and lost so I called the cops and asked for directions. It seemed logical at the time
Ok I can't be your drugdealer AND booty call AND friend. It just doesn't work that way
He'd bedazzaled his ass. Im not even that gay...
Toga everclear = hospital visit... Im sure the paramedics hate me right now
We made out for three hours. Then she said she didn't sleep with redheads and left the party. So yes, I'm still drinking.
You kept screaming how great you were at drawing poptarts and you insisted on drawing them all over my forearm
My only regret is not throwing up on the conveyor belt in the dining hall
Sup man, did you have a 3way this month if so it would be 3 for 3 for the house
I was just trying to be a good friend but in retrospect I probably shouldn't have pepper sprayed you.
I used an explanation of Walking Marriages in the Mosuo Culture to successfully negotiate an open relationship. That Anthropology degree is finally starting to pay off.
I JUST PETTED A FUCKING SQUIRREL. A SQUIRREL.
Randomize
