Yeah, it was perfect until the end. Apparently women are super attracted to me until the sleeping with part.
News Flash: Turtles are cuter than Jesus.
Congrats on damning at least 10 generations of your offspring to hell with just one text message. Way to start your morning off right.
I wish my new phone didn't autocorrect so well. People will never experience the magic of my drunk texts because they think I'm making a coherent statement.
i would eat my own dick if it were covered in nutella
You were competing with my dog to see who had the stronger bark....
No worries you cant actually turn into a wine snob if you brew it in your closet....
luckily my workout playlist doubles as a masturbation playlist.
For my 21st birthday, I require a kiddy pool filled with vodka. Make it so.
sarah just described his penis as "like bong-girth." I'm gunna go for it.
I was trying to sing daddy wasnt there from austin powers but apparently I was crying and and yelling jibberish...I get to into this shit
I'm two guys short from fucking the whole baseball team and one is gay. I will be successful by the end of this month.
I HAVE A GENTLEMANLY VAGINA.
This morning confirmed it...there's no maybe about it. She definitely wasn't born with it. It was definitely the Maybelline.
you left your anal beads in the dishwasher
So is seeing the guy's penis that I'm talking to something you're into or nah?
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