bras are like tupperware for tits, keeps em fresh.
All my problems are solved. I just got McDonalds and scratch off lottery tickets.
apparently I kept yelling at her that I wanted t-Rex sized lines. awesome
He's in bed with me right now. I'm wearing a towel and all I could wish for is my freedom. And pizza.
she tends to only attract lesbians and homeless men
She sprinted out of the bathroom and ran all the way into the middle of the street. Five minutes later she came back with a banana nut muffin. She's that kind of drunk.
This spray tan I used isn't working out. I spent an hour exfoliating and rubbing the damn stuff in with rubber gloves. I wanted the alluring, sun-kissed, sexy look. I've achieved smelling like burnt popcorn and the cats won't stop licking me. I'm a salt lick for cats.
So our 'date' consisted of getting drunk off champagne at four and photo-bombing the shit out of tourist's pictures all over the city. Thoughts?
When I say I took advantage of you when you were drunk, I mean that I convinced you to let me paint cute little panda bears on all of your toenails.
You kept yelling in my face " YOU'RE GONNA HAVE TO SUCK A DICK TONIGHT!"
just found out I was hugging strangers at the bar last night. there's photographic evidence. I know none of them
No. There is no way we have to stoop so low as to ask your dad for weed. There has to be an alternative.
Went as "Party on, Wayne." And left as, "Partied out Wayne in a foot boot with new medical bills." Fuck Halloween...and vodka.
That's a gentle way of saying I passed out like an 18-year-old on his first trip to Tijuana
But yeah, I am thinking that "Cake Heresy" will now be a thing
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