bar tonight had a doorbell to get in and last night i saw my neighbors fuck on the balcony, she wore a nurse outfit. Missouri isn't so bad...
I had a long pep-talk with my penis that ended in "I love you, I'll try harder and I'm sorry."
it's already thursday and i haven't gotten drunk yet...something's not right.
Well ya in hindsight obviously offering the cop a jello shot was a bad idea
as he pulled out he yelled "no kids!" and then passed out on top of me
I need you to stand in the corner and ref this threesome. Wear stripes.
You were telling the cab driver that you believe in him and just to follow his dreams
It'd be a romantic, consensual abduction
He should know he can't successfully wrestle in pudding fully clothed. Amateur.
I mean. I just want to sit in my bed and eat bagels. What's wrong with that?
I swear to god if you keep eating my cats food drunk I am going to kick you out of our apartment.
You know it was a good night when visa fraud prevention services are calling
To be fair, this is a tequila-while-rewatching-Benedict-Cumberbatch-as-Van-Gogh idea, so I don't know if it will hold up tomorrow.
Slept on the bathroom floor again. I hope when I turn 28 I’ll stop doing that
The longer the dick, the closer to Jesus when you’re on top.
Randomize
