And I just remember seeing him for the first time and being like, who is this ape of a man? Like legit he could be the missing link
I'm at a job interview and I smoked a little before I came. I thought it would make me less nervous. Boy was I wrong.
I don't know. I woke up in the back of a cab in a drive thru line at whataburger with police lights flashing and my friend yelling" you didn't have to sell us out phil!" to the cab driver.
it was a 10 min screaming orgasm. i don't care that you were next door and didn't appreciate all the noise.
Took an impromptu nap on the floor of a starbucks bathroom using my backpack as a pillow. Please tell me you have been this hungover
Both our collective sex appeal dies once someone cums on a snuggie kayla
Why the fuck is he under my phone as Papi Chulo?
Listen, unless you want to spend your birthday in a trunk, you better invite me
Just because the energy drink is shaped like a grenade doesnt make it cool to throw it and yell "BOOM" and break my flatscreen, asshole
Look I'm sorry I stuffed your wife's bouquet toss but I won't have that weak shit in my house.
My arms in a cast, how am I supposed to have sex with only one hand?
more importantly I need two hands to eat pie
I seriously just forgot to push down the toaster twice in a row \n\nSo I've been waiting 8 minutes for toaster strudels that I haven't even started... Too high
I mean I faked it but he could answer my texts
That’s talent right there. Maverick and Goose type shit.
So I have a horrible yeast infection right now and I learned that Scott is cheating on me and now he has a yeast infection in his mouth and in his stomach a pretty aggressive one too. I believe the doctors call it thrush. Text me in the morning tell me what you think.
Randomize
