My dad just drunkly made a toast in front of my entire extended family "to my daughter the recent and sucessful college and to my son the drunken whore-monger"
Her best guy friend really had a thing for her all along.... Now we're back together and he's gone Dawson's Creek with his away messages.
her last google searches are 'cheap african safari' and 'what does lion taste like'
I sang again at the bar lastnight I don't think alanis morrset knew when she wrote you outta know that the drunk version was going to be go fuck yourself Josh and Chelsea. I love $2 wells.
I want to take my head off and cuddle with it
Maybe it will forgive me and stop being an asshole
Lets just make a point system, like if we have sex add a point, if they leave after take away a point, if they stay all fucking day take away a point
You were visibly distraught that my boyfriend and I didn't have sex in your bed. You forced us to take your condoms.
You will never be paid again to get drunk and tell off cops without being arrested. Once in a lifetime opportunity
You're right. Fuck my job. I'm in.
I woke up with a massive hangover and realized I still had an entire bottle of tequila in my car...so yeah, working on tomorrow's hangover.
She ordered an O'douls. That was the end of that date
I'm armed with nothing but $4 lip gloss gum and my phone. Ready to take on the fucking world.
Just remembered that I got laid thanks to my glow in the dark Batman belt buckle. Need to wear it more often.
Either my apartment is haunted or I'm far more drunk than I thought
Stop making fun of my hookups!
Stop getting hookups that I can make fun of!
the bastard is cheating on me with some sleazy barista from Starbucks
That’s his wife they’re back together
You say potato, I say sleazy barista
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