He told me he looked up all the foods that make cum taste better and he put it all on his moms shopping list. she came through my line. this ones a keeper I think.
Apparently they want to see what I've been working on for the last three months. Can I just hand them a bunch of empty fifths?
tonight's goal was "most regrettable decision" and you bring wine coolers?
He was so bad, he was dry humping me and his dick was nowhere close to my vagina.
You better be watching. There will be a POP quiz. Each correct answer gains you 5 more minutes of the sexual act of your choice
This milkshake tastes better than sex. Priorities, I have them.
Your cock is gonna weep like a baby
At this point I will cuddle anything to prevent from dying alone
Grandpa got a dui while riding a horse. This is what I need to live up to.
IM DRINK YORE HIFH WE ARE POSTERCHOLD OF AMERICA
We should discuss this later when sobriety has returned. Right now he's just like a distant cousin.
A nap. You broke your hand napping in Vegas.
Omg one side of my Labia is asleep. Has that ever happened to you?
Yeah I'm at the doctors getting a shotand don't know how to tell them I'm still probably drunk from last night
You're like the fucking Mozart of sexting.
Randomize
