upper decked the toilet at the restaurant that wouldn't let me pee there yesterday
11am puke and rally. THIS is what I'm gonna miss about college.
Nah it's cool, I made him pinky promise me he wouldn't die if I left him passed out in the bathroom.
Last time I stayed at my moms my fucking car got set on fire sooo maybe I should think this through.
Oh dude, thanks for giving me that liquor last night, except replace 'giving' with 'violently forcing'.
hey your mom heard me say to her " That right your not going to Shit right for a month"
Now back to adults eating hotdogs.
Quote of the night award goes to my father "I like wearing my swim trunks around the house because they are cooler and more blousy for my balls". Yay dad
I need you to go into my room and get some pants then bring them and four band aids to Sam's apartment no questions
Whatever. I just want to indulge in this mcchicken and forget all about his tiny penis.
I just gave them my two week notice. Now is the perfect time to fuck my boss's son
Shit is getting real. I just adjusted my search radius for my dating profile to ANY FUCKING WHERE
Just asphyxiate me and toss my corpse in the Ocean. It'll be easier than whatever the next four or eight years will bring.
It's best not to have your booty call on social media. So if they post stupid shit, you still want to fuck them.
I turn 40 next week. I deserve to celebrate the end of my 30’s with a 21 year old dick
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