Half Baked? Au contraire, Ben and Jerry, I was fully baked when I ate that whole pint of ice cream.
I just applied for an unsubsidized loan naked. I love the internet.
My scrabble letters just formed failure. Thanks God.
i wish i could just hire someone to go down on me every night until i fall asleep
just bailed mom out of jail. Tell me i'm not the favorite child
I don't talk to her anymore. I lit her birthday presents on fire. Who the fuck puts candles that close to tissue paper?
Eberyones makin fun of me cuz I found a snail and caught him and put him in a bocks for u
"So you think you can dance" turned into "so you think you can run and slide across the bar"...Jack Daniels wins
Oh god. Just tried to hail a pizza delivery car. Awkward.
International sake day = success
It was a fight. Me vs nature and drunkenness. And nature won. Big time.
I had an epiphany. If a dude dressed up as Batman to ask me out, I'd prolly marry him.
My legs r really sober for running now
I don't think that's how sobriety works.
So this was during drunk golfing. She started wacking me off on the ninth hole and an old couple rolls up next to us. And Says "hey gu- oh my golly" and while my penis is in her hand I'm like "sorry you guys can play through"
I'm using the Malibu pitcher you stole from the bar to make pancakes this morning. It's actually working really well.
I almost accidentally threw him out a window during sex last night.
Randomize
