i only hope i can top last weeks sext session
she just stood in the kitchen yelling "REAL WOMEN HAVE CURVES"
The neighbors are smoking hash and doing Julia Child impressions...again.
When she can manipulate the direction of her leg hair, you know its time to leave
...She then said get into the spirit and started making firecracker noises while having sex
How in the hell did I take a shot of whiskey to the eyeball last night?
Managed to get through family dinner without anyone knowing I was tripping balls. Christmas miracle. He exists.
if i'm ever face-down on the ground puking again, promise me you won't try to braid my hair?
Nothing ends a night of heavy drinking better than banging to three six mafia in your own driveway
On a side note...my DUI lawyer just snapchatted me. This is the exact moment in time when I realized my like IS a joke.
she's like a sexy human version of my cat. i can't catch her, and she keeps throwing up in the corners.
I woke up with my name tag for work still on my shirt. It was a rough night.
Shout out to this stomach virus for helping me prepare for whatever slutty Halloween costume I decide to wear.
Woke up this morning with Nerf Bullets stuck to everything in my house and nut in my belly button. What exactly happened last night?
No you just wanted to pass out in your hallway because your room was too far away
Randomize
