Dude, no joke... I lost my wedding ring in some skank last night
You smell like stripper and shame
I just single handedly caused ferngully by printing the wrong 900 page document
I'm drinking away my Christmas cash. People are going to get bar receipts as presents.
A university police officer just hhigh fived me when i drunkenly stumbled into Aderhold. Fucking 5 o'clock somewhere.ITS IN CASABLANCA RIGHT NOW! TIME ZONES!
Look, all I'm sayin is $2 boilermakers and an expense account are probably a bad mix…
hot twin vs twin who's good in bed. why do my life choices same way unfair
If you don't remember anything tomorrow, this is to remind you that you asked me in secret to build a bobsled with you and re-enact Cool Runnings.
in other news i'm homewrecking via instagram
crossing my fingers that hitting golf balls off my pourch was a dream and not something that actaculy happened
if I was any more soft right now, my penis would be a liquid
I just remembered that last night I ate nachos off of someone else's table with a stranger
Sad realization: so long as I use this sleep apnea machine, I will never be the little spoon!
what do you mean i can't make cookies with a blow dryer? challenge accepted.
He's got the good dick trifecta - flip phone, works outside, bed with no headboard.
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