Take 3 tylenol pms and try to whack off before you pass out. It's impossible.
No, we just ended up walking around in his pool high and singing songs by The Wiggles.
I woke up and my clothes were soaked in the shower and I was wearing a Ghostbusters uniform. I'm shocked she hasn't left me yet.
what started as sign language exam pre-drinks to calm the nerves turned into me waving at a deaf woman for 20 minutes
Just woke up to my stoned boyfriend building a shrine around my bare ass. He'll never leave me.
Explain to me how "cheap asian titties" is a complement?
Normal vaginal pH: 3.8 to 4.5. Of course it tastes like a 9-volt. I could run a potato clock on that thing.
Invite that kid who wants to become a priest. I WANT ON.
I said "I am wrapped in the Cocoon Of Comfort! You should go." He started to argue and I yelled "COCOON OF COMFORT!!!" silencing him
Some lady just walked up to me in the bar and proclaimed that I looked like a "shady motherfucker." Can't argue with that one.
Bought asot tix too. After Saturday I'm gonna be reborn like Jesus and no drugs until edc
I'm gonna try Jim's breakup remedy this weekend.
Is that the one where you drink 3 cases of beer and rewatch as much WWE RAW as you can find? Or the one where you hookup with fatties on Craigslist?
Woke up in a sombrero and a males speedo. Tequila makes normal peoples clothes fall off, however it makes me fall into a questionable identity crisis
There were firefighters and a fire truck up the street. I asked what was wrong and their exact words were "Just a tiny explosion; it'll be all right"
I keep finding granola in my bed. This is what I get for sleeping with a guy from Oregon.
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