I would kick you in the vagina but I'm afraid I would lose my shoe.
I was high as a kite when I got pulled over by a cop and he asked me for my ID and if I had been smoking weed, I said no and gave him my debit card.
You got in a fight last night?
Yeah! Some dude in the bathroom...he was standing there and I notice he's got the same shirt as me on so I'm like...dude you should have called me, we look like idiots...he didn't say anything...so i got pissed and hit him...completely decimated and my hand was all bloody and covered with glass afterward...weird dude, never saw him again that night or since.
Um...Did this guy happen to look almost exactly like you?
Between the two of us weve fucked every guy at this table
I don't think it's considwred fine dining when you're passing out at golden palace in chinatown at 4 am with you boss who happens to be wearing a dress.
So this whole chlamydia situation totally puts a damper on my back to school sex schedule, there's just no way of knowing who of them was the perpetrator... Time for new candidates
It's like your tits told gravity 'fuck you, I'm fine right here!'
So I can confidently say that I'm the only 3rd year engineering student who completed all 4 of their exams with One Direction pens
As if I wouldn't steal Nintendo brand "Mario is my HOMEBOY!" boxers when he gave me the entire drawer to choose from.
holy shit the woman im hooking up with is closer to my moms age than my own
Oh no. Did we do a blood oath again?!
Did we just second hand smoke crack?
I'm sitting on the couch playing the sims, how's ur night going?
I'm sitting on my floor, drinking wine, and listening to bette midlers "wind beneath my wings"
Why are our lives so predictable?
i mean ive seen your left buttcheek how much more bro can this get
as a guy is it bad that even my mom called me easy?
Randomize
