my facebook friend requests are always from girls of boyfriends i have fucked, facebook is the worst reminder of shame
i feel like my life has become an afroman song and idk whether i should be sad about that or not
I acted like I was still sleeping as she gathered her stuff to leave.. that's when she let one rip
we went through the mcdonalds drive through and you asked for a free sample of their fries to see how you liked them.
My fuck buddy took time out of his date with his girlfriend to text me happy Valentines Day.
Theres a live mouse in the toilet. Goddamn you this is why I don't party here
Let's just rave with boners that last for hours
just for future reference, lake water is NOT mix for hard stuff. nor is it an adequate substitute.
All I'm saying is the next time I see him naked, there better be something in it for me that doesn't end in bailing him out of jail.
just saw a kid get pissed on buy a tiger at the zoo. His dad is rofling and the kid is crying. I think I have to go make a new friend
She definitely peed in a bucket in their closet last night. We should warn them about that, right?
My 1st STD. I feel like there should be a cake for this.
I should buy myself lingerie for Valentine’s Day instead of a present for you because I am the present
It's three am. I'm drunk in a stairwell in Vegas. My flight leaves at six. Help.
You told me that you couldn't come over because you felt like you were gonna die and that houses eat you when you die, and my house couldn't eat you because your house would be jealous. That's when I knew to take the bowl away from you.
Randomize
