All of his creepy stalker friends want you too
i nerd-gasmd. plain and simple.
The thing is you're all "holy crap this isn't nearly as bad as I thought pissing on my own face would be."
I'm sitting on the patient chair, waiting for my vagina to be violated & "i don't want to miss a thing" has been playing on repeat. WHY IS THIS HAPPENING TO ME.
You spent most of the night crying and throwing leftover meatballs at the neighbors dogs
Are you sighing at your phone and judging me right now?
I'm trying to convey to the smoking hot Spanish cleaning lady at work that I want to bone her but I think it's getting lost in translation. How do you say "blowjob" in Spanish?
.......The other day I peed on him in the shower....he was trying to touch my boobs and I wanted my space.
Add caroling to the list of things we need to do in an elevator
I'm not allowed to have sex with him again. My vagina joined in on the protest. There was a petition. All my body parts signed it.
Blocking me on Facebook doesn't change the fact that you've had my penis in my mouth. So there's that.
I took out the emergency phone in the elevator and replaced it with a bottle of vodka. The game is simple, do a shot for the number of the floor you're going to. Best suggestion box tip ever.
I'm glad our friendship can withstand laughing mid-blowjob during the diarrhea scene in Dumb & Dumber.
How hot? Like... how many hemsworths?
Getting a smaller wine glass hasn’t changed the amount I drink—it just means I get more steps each day. Cheers to health!
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