I just walked into the kitchen and my dad was having this uber serious convo
With himself
I thidmdmk you'gre a special person
ps i may or may not be wearing a sequined bra
Her best friend sent her a random hate text and the song they played at her father's funeral came on the radio. I just got cock blocked by the universe
the choice between paying your electricity bill and getting herpes medicine is a tough one.
What happened on tuesday that a stripper knows my full name?
Should you consider yourself out of control when everyone at the party is cheering you on while you're puking, and on the last heave you act like you're rolling dice right before the finale???
Next time you think about divorce, consider this: a hot guy just walked in and I tried to suck in my back fat.
I think your dick broke my retainer, I normally wouldnt care but my orthodontist died and I don't want my first appt to be blow job broken retainer with a new ortho.
His ass WILL be my cock's next vacation home.
I wish I had a dick so I could say shit like that.
I don't know which I need first...a shower or a confessional.
Both guys that I'm dating were waiting for me in the parking lot after work. Literally the most awkward situation I have ever been in
Visions of polite missionary are dancing in my head right now kinda and it alarms me
I think everyone at the office can tell I'm dehydrated
you mean still drunk
I've heard it both ways
I wanted to make my beer stronger so I poured vodka in it. Why god....why
Randomize
